


Pour a Little Salt

by TheZiallHorlikBible



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Beautiful, Cutting, Eating Disorders, How did I write this, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-02-02
Packaged: 2017-11-27 21:25:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/666655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheZiallHorlikBible/pseuds/TheZiallHorlikBible
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>zayn doesn't like that Liam is wasting away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pour a Little Salt

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize....this made me sad to write. Trigger warning. Mentions of eating disorder, self harm, suicide. Please don't read this if you're going to want to self harm afterwards.

It would be simple to say that Liam was wasting away. He hadn't eaten food in days. You could see almost every bone in his body; he was practically a living skeleton. It didn't scare him like is should; all he saw was fat, ugly, worthless. The same words were carved deeply into his hipbones. It would be fair to say that Liam was wasting away, but it was so much more than that. He was torn up and broken. He was barely even living, and that didn't scare him either. But it scared zayn more than was fair. 

All that zayn wanted was for his best friend to live for a little bit longer for Liam to live long enough to find something worth living for. Zayn secretly hoped it would be him. To zayn everything hurt, and when Liam would come downstairs with a new array of bracelets, it was like salt was being poured on his own cuts. Liam was burning his skin, and breaking his heart, and killing himself slowly. That's what hurt zayn the most; he couldn't help.

Liam pretends zayn isn't there most of the time. The older boy cries himself to sleep at night, just wishing he could save his Liam. Zayn could remember the first time he had ever seen Liam in a compromising position. He had walked into the bathroom when Liam wouldn't answer his requests to come inside. Sometimes he wished he hadn't gone in. He was met with smashed glass, and bloody arms, the cool sink covered in a dark red color, and the room smelled of copper. It smelled like blood. Liam's blood, He kept thinking to himself. The memory still makes his eyes water. Liam didn't even move. He just stared at his arms like they were the most amazing things he had ever seen. 

That was nothing compared to the time when he walked in on the younger boy when he was trying to kill himself. Zayn will never forget the look on liam's face when zayn pulled the noose from liam's neck and pulled the boy to the floor. He had started crying then. Muttering quiet pleas of him not wanting to live any longer. Or the second time when Liam had tried to overdose on medication. Zayn had tackled him to the ground. Pills spilling all across the cold, bathroom floor. Liam thrashed and tried to grab them to just set them in his mouth and disappear from everything. Zayn held him down and kissed his forehead until he calmed down. 

It's wise to say that Liam didn't know how this had came to be. He was addicted to the pain, the feeling of a sharp, cold blade against his marred skin. He wanted to die more than he wanted someone to love him. And it's safe to say that he wants that a lot. Liam remembered when zayn had caught him trying to kill himself the third time. He wasn't trying to kill himself originally. He had just been cutting desighns into his ugly, raised skin, and suddenly he found himself going for his jugular. Zayn, of course, was there to pull the razor away. The older boy was gripping liam's hand and the blade so tight that he ended up cutting his own palm. He cleaned Liam up and held him all night. Liam was angry that he was still able to lay there. Liam should have been dead already. Liam could remember every time that zayn had lied to him. Every single time he had said "we're gonna be okay." and "everything will be fine Liam. Just give it some time." he had given up on everything. Zayn says he hasn't. That's a lie too. Liam knows he'll give up eventually, and Let Liam bleed to death on their bathroom floor. 

Zayn remembers when he found Liam dead. It was weird because he looked so peaceful. It was obvious that he had used medication and alcohol. There was empty bottles of evey substance on the floor, but Liam just looked happy. Like he was finally where he belonged, but zayn was angry. He hated himself for not saving Liam. The boy who meant the world to him. He failed himself, and he failed the broken little boy whom he loved. It didn't take long for zayn to find the note a couple days after the funeral. Zayn refused to give up any of liam's belongings, and when he was searching through liam's stuff he had found the envelope. It said one thing on the front in liam's bold, neat handwriting: Zayn. With shaking hands, and a racing heart, zayn opened the envelope and pulled out a price of paper. He began to read. 

Dear zayn,  
I'm sorry to have left you like this. I know you care....well, I'm not sure if I know you care....but I'm sure that you don't want me to do this. I'm assuming you're going through my stuff right now. You found the last piece of me on this earth. Not exactly, I guess. Cuz I can promise I'm standing right behind you at this very moment. I'm smiling at you and kissing your cheek. I guess I just don't understand how you could ever love someone like me. Someone who hated himself enough to take a blade to his skin. No one has ever cared enough to fight for me, but you did. Thank you. I don't think you noticed, but you've been eating less. So when you're done reading this go get some food and watch a movie or something. Don't you dare blame yourself; you haven't done anything wrong. I'm not sure if anything I'm writing makes sense...I can't think straight. But, I am thinking straight enough to tell you I love you more than you will ever understand. You mean the world to me, zayn. And I promise I'll always be watching over you. Even if you find a new person to love and focus on. For me, it was always you. It is still you, and I hope you understand that you were my only light. In a world where I only saw darkness, you saved my light. And when I go, I'll slip away with the picture of you smiled goofily at me. It'll make me happy. You make me happy. I'm sorry, but you'll be home soon. I have to go now. I'll miss you, zayn. Forever and always.  
Your's forever and truly,   
Liam XX

Zayn couldn't think. He felt like he had been shot. He didn't know what to say or think or do, and his tears spilled over. He fell to the carpeted floor and hugged the paper tight. It still smelled of Liam, and that Killed zayn. It wrecked him. He was trembling and choking for air. He stood up then and hit the wall, pushed over the dresser, and kicked liam's clothes around the floor. He couldn't contain himself. There was so much inside of him, and he couldn't express any of it. He was falling. He was breaking. He was suffocating. And he could only think one thing: It's all my fault; I could have saved him.

It's a vicous cycle, I mean it's totally okay to say that zayn is wasting away. It's absolutely true. He looks horrible. There are deep circles under his eyes. He hasn't slept in days. He hasn't eaten a proper meal in weeks, and his skin is raised and pink. He couldn't handle himself, and there was no one there. He was completely alone. There was no Liam to lay with him. No Liam to keep him alive and well. Zayn, himself, wasn't alive. He was a shell, and for the first time he finally understood. The bloodlust, and the never ending want to go just a little to deep. To strike a vein so harshly that your deep red insides spill out on the floor before you. While you slip into insanity, into the universe. Where you can finally be free again. It wasn't long until zayn couldn't try. Couldn't stand. Liam was horrified as he watched his zayn grab the pills and the liquor, the vodka, the vicodine. It was all too much, and Liam finally understood what it was like to be so desperate for someone to live. For them to open there eyes and see how important it was for them to breathe for another day. Liam felt nothing but an overwhelming sadness deep inside his heart. He watched as his love downed the alcohol and stomached the pills. The image was haunting, and he was sorry for leaving zayn this way. His eyes wandered a bit for a moment, just enough to see something, and his heart almost stopped. The clocks weren't ticking, and there was a lump in his throat. Laying next to his Zayn's dead body was a sheet of paper that said only a couple words. Liam was completely responsible for the death of the boy. He shook his head rapidly as he read and re-read the words.

I'm coming  
XX, Zayn

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it :)


End file.
